


BROMPTON COCKTAIL

by jean_huh_kirschnickerdoodle



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Broken Levi, Drug Use, Gen, after squad levis death, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-28 19:26:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3866968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jean_huh_kirschnickerdoodle/pseuds/jean_huh_kirschnickerdoodle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>I'm feeling compromised, and so dehumanized</i>
  <br/>
  <i>I can't feel my face, I wont struggle on</i>
  <br/>
  <i>In a world so cold, in a world so wrong</i>
  <br/>
  <i>I'm not running away, been fighting this for so long</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Such a price that we pay, we gotta be so strong</i>
  <br/>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	BROMPTON COCKTAIL

**Author's Note:**

> [so uh this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIJ6FnJ29lI)

_Humans…they were all humans…_

That had been the last straw. How could he possibly swallow that down? His friends had died, his siblings, and for what? So he could become humanity’s strongest serial killer?

_What was it all for? What was the fucking point?_

There wasn’t one. He knew that. Had always known it. The only point had been to survive. And where had that gotten him? Stuck with the lives of a bunch of kids in his hands. Hands that could never be washed clean. Hands with blood on them.

_Stained…stained…_

Strong fingers clenched around the syringe, a small skull with wings etched into the side. He had been above ground for too long, too many new groups had popped up. New killers. New thieves. New gangs.

New dealers.

It hadn’t been hard to find the new drug, practically advertising it with posters plastered to the shit buildings underground. Finding the dealer? Well, that hadn’t been any more difficult. There were perks to being humanity’s strongest. Perks that included tell-me-where-you-got-that-or-I’ll-stab-you-in-the-fucking-taint.

When he had approached the dealer, he had only leered down at him, sharp grin glinting in the darkness as he handed him the syringe.

_‘For Humanity’s Strongest? The Brompton Cocktail. We’ll welcome your return.’_

_Shit. Shit shit fucking shit._

His jaw hurt, teeth grinding together and throat tightening painfully. The syringe wavered as his vision blurred, angry tears burning and threatening to fall.

This was the second time in as many weeks that he had found himself like this. Backed into a dark, musty corner, dust clinging to his pants, a needle in his trembling hands, point scratching the surface of the soft of his arm.

Eren had stopped him last time, too warm arms wrapping around his body and choking out apologies around broken sobs. He almost wished it'd happen again.

But Eren wouldn’t be here. He was gone, hiding with the ‘new’ squad Levi.

He couldn’t help but bite his lip, flesh giving under bony-pressure and the taste of metal dripping over his tongue. The ‘new’ squad Levi. It was such bullshit, bullshit that he swallowed every time he heard it. Bullshit that left his body hot with anger, eyes burning with tears he wouldn’t shed.

Because his team was so fucking replaceable? Just toss in some kids and they’re his _new_ squad?

It wasn’t that he hated them for it, they were good people, skilled, and he was happy to have them at his side, on his side. But they weren’t the _new_ squad. They were _another_ squad.

No one could replace the others.

Just like no one could replace Isabel and Farlan.

_I’m sorry…Petra…Erd…Gunthar…Auruo…. I’m sorry…_

_Eren…I’m…_

_I can’t keep my promise…I’m sorry, Eren. You deserve better. You’ll find better. Fuck-- I'm so sorry…_

His entire body shook, breath shuddering in his chest as he swallowed the blood down. His hands trembled, knuckles white around the syringe, squeezing so tight he vaguely wondered if the vial would shatter in his hands.

Damp fingers swam through his hair, pushing it futilely back from his face. His breath lurched from his lips, head hanging between his shoulders, vision slipping in and out of darkness as they stared at the prints his boots had left in the layer of dust and filth on the floor.

_I made the wrong choice. Again. Always the wrong choice. They’re dead because of me. I should have told Eren to change earlier. I should have been there. If I had—_

He couldn’t stop the burning tears from slipping from his eyes, splattering onto the toes of his boots and leaving spots on the ground that seemed unnatural. Empty. His stomach churned, heavy and cold and filled with concrete. His lungs burned and his heart pounded violently against his chest, begging to be stopped.

Begging to be released.

Begging for just one fucking moment of respite.

_I deserve peace…I’ve earned…This is my choice…My sins…_

_Please…just let me…_

_Let me stop…_

_Don’t make me question…regret…_

He squeezed the syringe in his hand, tear-blurred vision focusing on it as he almost snarled to himself.

“Just let me be okay. Just for a moment, let me fucking have this.”

With more effort than it should have required, he pushed his weight onto his knees. His eyes focused on his arm, fingers squeezing into a fist and relaxing, over and over, until his veins rose to the surface. Shaking fingers slipping into the loops of the syringe, thumb pressed to the stopper. The needle jumped and shook against his skin, hands refusing to stop trembling, the last moment of hesitation.

_I’m just...so tired…_

_Tired…._

_Tired…._

His skin gave away easily, the needle slipping beneath the surface. Pressing slowly against the stopper, he watched with morbid fascination as the liquid seeped away, pushing into his veins. He could feel it, cold fingers running through his veins.

Then nothing but heat. Warmth washing over him and slowly, slowly he could feel his mind slipping away. His center of gravity shifted, body falling to the floor. But instead of pain, he felt nothing. Just…kept falling. Sinking. Sinking. Deeper into himself, drifting away into nothingness. Warmth lifting him away and pushing him deeper, washing away everything.

Blind euphoria.

He was gone.

Gone…

Gone…

Too far gone to see the light on his body. Too far gone to see Erwin’s eyes widen as he rushed to his side. Too far gone to feel big arms wrap around his body, limp and boneless. Too far gone to understand strong fingers wiping over his face and pulling him close to his chest. Too far gone to notice the vomit plastered in his hair and sticking to his face and clothes. Too far gone to wonder when he’d thrown up. Too far gone to recognize that burning heat on his neck as Erwin’s tears, or that the heartbeat in his ears wasn’t his own. Too far gone to comprehend the words, strangled in a throat torn by sobs, drifting into his ears as his consciousness slipped away into darkness.

“I’m sorry, Levi. I’m sorry. Please don’t do this again. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll fix it, I’m sorry…”

**Author's Note:**

> okay ahaha im sorry cause clearly i dont know how to write anymore. and sorry to anyone waiting on eom to update. hopefully this will get me back into the swing of things. 
> 
> comments sustain me. please do that thing.


End file.
